I’ll let you in on something — I myself am currently in the process of planning my own private home.
We too, as a couple, deal with disagreements, different tastes, and the tension between budget and design considerations, priorities, and everything else that comes with this challenging journey.
In our case, Moshe is the one with his finger on the pulse when it comes to the budget. He’s constantly calculating how much each stage should cost, how many years the mortgage needs to be spread over so we can still live normally despite the construction expenses in the coming years.
From his perspective, every door, piece of furniture, and window translates into money.
I, on the other hand, live in my dreams. I know what style I want, and at every opportunity I add more details to the plan, to the visualization, to the vision forming in my mind about life in the home that’s yet to be built.
And then, when I bring up my dream of kids running around barefoot in the house (which already happens today), on heated floors all winter long — the responsible voice (Moshe) chimes in and says: Hey, that’s not in the budget — underfloor heating is extremely expensive!
And I have to be a little disappointed, shelve the dream, occasionally bring it up again in hope, saying: we only build once in our lives, if we don’t do it now, we’ve missed the opportunity forever… and hear once again — it’s not going to work…
What to Do When Tension Arises
In situations like these, which can take us to very tense places, we decide to stop and talk about it.
Not talk about the heating — talk about what it’s doing to us.
We make sure I don’t feel like my dreams are being “shut down” and that I have no room to dream, and that Moshe doesn’t feel like he’s the “bad guy” in the story who constantly has to say no.
Neither of these positions is comfortable, but they are a necessary part of reality.
Once we put things on the table, we’re able to examine the desire versus the ability more objectively. We manage to step out of the position each of us had taken — and start consulting with outside parties, in this case, about heating methods in the area where we currently live.
Self-Examination — What’s the Source of My Desire?
On deeper reflection, I realized that I come from a mindset shaped by cold living environments — I had lived my entire life, until now, on mountaintops, and the winter experience was one of bitter cold for months on end.
After a year of living in the area where we’re building, the northern Negev, it became clear that winter here is completely different, and perhaps my dreams about winter heating are less relevant in this area.
That was just one example among many.
Principles and Opinions
When we got to discussing the type of construction, it was very important to me that the building be as ecological as possible, while Moshe was more concerned that if we ever need to sell, the home’s value shouldn’t decrease.
And how do you bridge that gap…
And again, here too, when the disagreement is about principles — yes, each person tries to persuade from their own angle, and it’s exhausting, and it’s head-to-head.
Following this issue, we had a very important conversation about how not to let this disagreement come at our expense — the decision would be practical and objective, after we go out, see homes in different styles, and consult with as many experts as possible to reach the best decision for us.
But we don’t let it get personal.
I work hard on myself to remember that both he and I want our home to be beautiful and comfortable, practical and within budget.
Asking to Hear the Heart
And sometimes I need to hear him say it, and I ask: tell me that you imagine the home warm and in the colors I love… tell me that you also want to see the kids playing in the lovely space we designed for them with joy.
And he says: of course I do.
It’s just that his thinking pulls in different directions than mine, and that’s okay — even good. That’s what creates the balance between us in the end.
And if we continue to talk about the gaps, about the feelings, about our personal space within this shared process — not only will the physical house be built, but also another floor in our inner, shared building.
Have you also encountered relationship challenges during the planning process?
Are there insights you’d like to share with us?
Is there something you’re taking away from this post?
We’d love to hear from you!